there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
