I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize