Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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