I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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