Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
