Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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