Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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