i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
you made out with another girl for some wings
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
