wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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