I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
