sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
