If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
