I'm so fucking centered right now
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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