FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
