My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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