I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
