I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
