I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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