I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
