I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
