How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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