I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So much rum. So many feels.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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