just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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