This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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