After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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