Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
