my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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