i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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