take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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