there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
