The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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