so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
