All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
