I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
