Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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