he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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