I wish I could punch you in the face.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
