I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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