Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
