When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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