searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
