Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
