is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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