did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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