and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize