I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
