dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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