I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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