Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize