Will you blow on my dice?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
