Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
