Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
