Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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