just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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