not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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