Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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