I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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