My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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