I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
